旅行書寫 · 2023-01-06

Let's create - Release｜Presence｜Move Forward

In the beginning of 2023, I went to Malaysia (again!) to join an intuitive painting retreat as my attempt to embark my creativity journey. And this is the 3rd intuitive painting session (Release｜Presence｜Moving Forward), which I love the most.

This is maybe by far the most powerful session as this is the session that I expected the least. I simply didn't resonate with those terms (Release｜Presence｜Move Forward) as deep as the others (I mean, flow, courage, exploration, passion, and freedom, don't these words have MY NAME on it? :P). Yet I guess that's where the transformation really comes from. From those things I didn't expect would be a huge deal, but hey, it's definitely huge, critical and maybe unbearable if I have overlooked it for so long.

#1 Release

When it comes to release, I feel nothing but this sensation of heaviness and stickiness. I don't like it, and I don't want to talk about this. And here we are, often the thing that make us run away is the exact thing that we have to face.

Then, I saw tears - a lot of tears. Those tears that I held back in the past years because all I wanted was to be independent, courageous, and even fearless. All the tears that I didn't allow myself to have, and all the tears that I tried so hard to hide.

#2 Presence

Presence is to be here, and now. To me, presence is to experience and even embrace all the moments, right there, right now. And my own presence to be there with the tears released is to hold myself gently and whisper, "It's okay to be not okay. It's okay, I'm here with you. And if you wanna cry, I would cry with you, for every single teardrop."

And little did I know, with my presence and acceptance, all the dark and gloomy tears can become a colorful and beautiful peacock in the end.

#3 Move forward

I think I've always known this - Love is the answer, or to be more specific, unconditional love is the answer. I thought I had been healing & loving myself, but the fact that I wasn't able to release my sorrow and grief naturally indicates that the love that I had given myself is not unconditionally; instead, it's a tough one.

"I won't love you if you are not the self that I want you to be."

This reminds me of the soul coaching session with Sabrina. "Are you upset with yourself that you cannot love yourself unconditionally? But can you unconditionally love this Melissa who cannot unconditionally love herself?" I bursted into tears at once.

Now I finally realize, only this unconditional love can move me forward. And if there's one more thing, it would be this - having love within doesn't mean that there won't be tears; instead, it is the tears behind that makes the painting as beautiful and unique as it is now.

And they are all part of my uniqueness and wholeness. :)